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My Communication

Hey! You are one of about a dozen people I've directed here, because I have a message to share. I assure you that this is more unusual to do from my perspective than yours, but my need and desire to do it has been mounting for months. It's not a quick message, so I prefer that you come back if you don't have much time to read or understand it. I would apologize for the intrusion, the dramatic seeming setting, and length, but it is quite important to me that you hear it.


I had very few friends around me as I grew up, mainly because I was misunderstood and a picky introvert. In the numerous years I didn't have friends, I had plenty of school, work, and hobbies to keep me busy. When I did have friends, I was always with them, every day. I saw my sister and her family a few times a week when I moved out of her house. I had technology growing up, but there was never a reason to use it to "keep in touch".  Everyone embraces technology, including phones, and use it to keep in touch, but I find it unfeeling and impersonal. To this day it does nothing to the space where a loved one should be, except expand it.  People ask, "How hard is it to send a text?". I think it's very easy, actually. The problem, other than not feeling connected when calling, texting, or posting, is that it only makes me want more to see those people I miss, which has gone vastly unrequited. Small talk, which is usually the only thing I can muster electronically, desperate rare exceptions noted, is something I generally dislike. Since the pandemic, I have been very unbusy, and I spend more than 95% of my time alone.


There are a couple of issues, other than the obvious social one. First, I only feel comfortable talking about important things affecting my life to a few or less people I consider friends or family in person. Yes, I know that this is an electronic message to a larger group of people, which is exactly why it took me months and several revisions to finally send it. I can no longer wait for "the right opportunity". Yes, I know that I've seen you all at least once in the past few months, but only around other people who I prefer not to share my intimate feelings with, and generally in a setting where it wouldn't have been appropriate anyway. Second, I enjoy having intellectual or philosophical conversations, and it has been way too long since I've had either.

I've been in a spiral. As spirals usually go, my emotional turmoils and personal issues have been coming faster and getting deeper as time goes on. I have been uninspired and unmotivated to care for myself, my surroundings, or even my business for a long time, and I keep seeking things to fill the void that I have (unsuccessfully of course). I'm in a hotel in Florida right now editing this, sad to be isolated both now, and in general, when I should be doing anything else (holding out for a specific outcome got me to this lonely vacation - I know I didn't ask you to come - my poor decision). I do things and go places regularly to have fun (mostly last minute to fill empty space), and do okay with that, but it is getting increasingly lonely. I can't tell you how much it bothers me that nobody would know if something happened to me (except maybe when you get to karaoke and I'm not there!).


Nothing. I've made my own decisions to get me to where I am. My lack of personal and romantic relationships is a direct result of my stubborn need for physical connection, and disdain of virtual connection. You are not obligated to do anything. Some of you reach out to me and get frustrated in my lack of response - some of you have stopped reaching out to me for the same reason. Note: I may often go without responding to your message, but I seldom fail to show up at the gathering you invited me to (sorry for not making it to the birthday gathering - both a lack of details and my state of mind at the time kept me from being in the right place at the right time). Maybe you've grown apart from me for some other evolution in your own life. I'm just trying to get my message out there. I've mentioned to a couple of you that I've been having a hard time, but as I mentioned above, it wasn't the proper situation or environment to elaborate.

You should know that I miss you, and I don't just say that because it sounds good. If you're interested, let's try to find a way to reconnect, and keep connecting. You are not very many individuals, but if I can have just one of you for a small time just once in a month or two, I think it would make a big difference.  If you have grown apart for whatever reason, you should know that I love you and wish you the best. If you are related to me, you're stuck with me, and we need to get together.

Also, if you like to call, text, post, etc., do it. Be true to the way you do things. You may not always get a response, but I always have a reaction. Maybe it'll even help me get better at responding.


I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. Each of you needs to be you, the you that I love and care about. I don't want some weird outpouring of calls, texts, or otherwise. The whole point is that I want our moments to happen organically when we're together, unforced. Sometime down the road, let's set something up. I'm not in a good place, but I haven't reached a point of no return. I also request that you don't directly share this with anyone. I tell each person I know something in the way that I specifically want to tell them. This is the first and likely only time I'll ever share something with multiple people in exactly the same way. There are actually a couple other people I would love to share this with, but they are either already no longer in my life, or don't know how important I think they are (again, because of my stubborn way of doing things). 


There are likely things I missed, or didn't clarify in this message, but my thoughts and emotions have been and still are swirling around in my head, making it hard to concentrate on very much for very long.  I've been largely distracted for months, which is not even close to normal for me.

I am who I am, even with the given consequences. I know I'm different. I'm allowed to be different.

You are busy. I get that. Don't come to me if you can't, I'll come to you. Do you eat? I eat. I'll bring food.

It may surprise you that I think about you nearly every day. You can contest that since you don't hear from me, but I'm telling you now  that it's true. I say "nearly" because I'm sure there are times I haven't for whatever distraction was occurring that day, but I can't remember the last day I didn't think of any one of you reading this, my mother, or my sister. I look forward to the next time we can be together.


Something else you could do - if anyone is interested - during the entire time I've been having an issue, I also have been thinking of starting some kind of organization, completely voluntary, to connect lonely people. The main issue I have doing it myself, besides that lack of motivation I mentioned, and a world where pandemic restrictions are more important than people's mental health, is that I know that there will be a huge electronic (social media) aspect that I would clearly have a difficult time with.  


Wednesday February 9, 2022